You got me to shed a few tears. Your honesty and openness is moving. You really are a very good writer.

We have so many similarities in our background that I hesitate to mention them. You will think I'm making it up. I also got hit by a car as a child and fractured my skull falling out of a tree. If we are the "normal" for autistic childhood, parents of autistic children should be terrified.

My father died a few years after my brother's suicide. He was my father's "favorite", the golden child that he didn't sexually abuse. The one he lavished love on and who loved him unconditionally. The one who emulated him and tried to be a "man's man" a "real man".

After his death, my father stopped caring about himself and stopped taking his diabetes meds. He died of a heart attack in the ER of a VA hospital 2 years later.

My mother's Alzheimer's was pretty advanced by then and she couldn't deal with the situation. Even though we hadn't spoken in years he had me listed as his emergency contact. So, I arranged for his body to be cremated and delivered to her.

She did arrange for his ashes to be interred in a military cemetery. Because it didn't cost her anything. A handful of people showed up. I didn't attend. He was a monster who didn't deserve any forgiveness or respect from me. Even in death.

It's hard to escape from the shadow of our parental relationships. Our response to them shapes our lives, particularly when we are young. I really didn't "move on" until I was in my late 30's.

I had a therapist who lost patience with me and told me, "You can only use your parents as an excuse for so long. At some point your life is about the choices you make, the things you do. You can chose to wallow in self pity and be angry at them. Or, you can let go of things in the past that cannot be changed and work on your life so that you can be happy now. If you don't want to do that then you're just wasting my time and your money."

Best damn therapist I have ever had.